


The Miscellaneous Adventures of Jonn and Jonn

by ArtNerdSarah



Series: Out of Time [2]
Category: The Magnus Archives (Podcast), The Mechanisms (Band)
Genre: Accidental Love Confessions, Blushy Martin, Canon Asexual Character, Canon Typical Swearing, Cat, Cat Bites Bastard, Crack, Crack Fic, Elias Bitchard bleeds for his troubles, Elias has rancid vibes, Fainting, Flirting, Implied Blackmail, Jonny is a good wingman, Jonny is extremely feral, M/M, Mentions of Mothman, No beta we die like archival assistants, Sasha isn’t as Good of a Good Girl than we thought, Skirts, Swearing, Tacklings, Tea, The Watcher’s Crown, The cat is here to stay folks, Threats, Tim is a flirt, Truth or Dare, Workaholism, You can’t tell me that Jonny doesn’t get around, but for comedy, but it fails, but they aren’t serious, but we still stan, cat kisses, continuity, dress codes, gun - Freeform, jon is not okay, making your dumbass friend go to sleep, over-used tropes, poor rosie, the cot, thigh highs, this is all crack, unorthodox use of compulsion, use of compulsion, use of the f word, wingmaning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-02
Updated: 2020-07-03
Packaged: 2021-03-03 23:08:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 18
Words: 4,346
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24513616
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ArtNerdSarah/pseuds/ArtNerdSarah
Summary: This takes place after “Jonn d’Ville-Sims, First Mate of the Magnus Institute, London”.It’s a series of (super fucking short) one-shots of the archival crew, in the aftermath of the events in the previous fic.Chaos ensuesIt’s all crackdon’t take this seriously~~tags will be added as chapters are added~~Jon has as gun, Jonny is walking feral energy. Two Jonns in the archives. What will they do?
Relationships: Jonny d’Ville & Jonathan “Jon” Sims | The Archivist, Martin Blackwood/Jonathan “Jon” Sims | The Archivist
Series: Out of Time [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1771423
Comments: 332
Kudos: 395
Collections: Mechanisms and Magnus Crossovers that maintain the integrity of mechanisms lore





	1. Martin is Worried about Jon

Martin was worried about Jonathan Sims. He seemed… unhinged at times. Which was perfectly understandable, really. He had been through  _ so much _ , and rarely talked about it. Not to mention, Jon’s mind had blended together with that of some… space pirate from another universe.

But that wasn’t… precisely why Martin was worried about Jon.

No.

That came down to a rather… specific and  _ worrying _ incident.

Jonny had gone off to do… whatever it was that Jonny did while he was stuck in the archives, Tim had gone to “interview” a filing clerk, Sasha went home at a reasonable time, and that just left Martin and Jon in the office.

Martin had been getting ready to bring Jon some tea, but abandoned the kettle when he heard Jon screaming.

Martin had ran to Jon’s office, panicking, and slammed the door open just in time to see Jon pull out a gun. A FUCKING  **_GUN_ ** ! And if that wasn’t insane enough, Jon had then proceeded to shoot the gun at  _ a spider on the wall _ . His aim was perfect.

Martin had slowly closed the door and decided it was time for him to go home.


	2. Matchmaker Matchmaker

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jonny likes to flirt
> 
> Turns out, there’s something more fun he could be doing
> 
> JonMartin is heavily implied

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title is from Fiddler On The Roof because random musicals will pop into my head at random times. Don’t @ me, ok?

With nothing better to do, Jonny ended up working as an archival assistant. Which, in his opinion, was the most boring job in the history of anything ever.

FUCK!

The most  _ fun _ he could find on the job was from terrorizing people Jon sent him to do follow up interviews on (god, that was fun) or from terrorizing the Institute Staff.

One of his favorite forms of terror was via  _ flirtation _ .

…

His first attempt was with Sasha.

After making the mistake of startling Sasha and getting his face slammed into a filing shelf via book for his troubles (she had apologized profusely for that one), Jonny decided it was best to not try that again.

His second attempt was with Jon.

Jon reciprocated Jonny’s playful attitude, but still shot down any actual flirtation. Damn.

Jonny might try again later.

His third attempt was with Tim.

While Tim had very much reciprocated, Jonny realized that Timothy Stoker reminded him just a bit too much of Gunpowder Tim and called it off before anything could occur.

His final attempt was with Martin.

Objectively speaking, Martin wasn’t attractive. He wasn’t hot like Tim, he wasn’t 

pretty like Sasha, and he wasn't Identical To Jonny (and oh boy was Jonny ever into that), but Martin was  _ cute _ . Cute was not something a space pirate often came across. So, of course, Jonny just HAD to shoot his shot!

Jonny approached the situation by wrapping his arms around Martin from behind and whispering “boo” into his ear.

Martin let out the cutest little squeak. “J-Jon?!”

Jonny just laughed. “Wrong one~”

Martin’s blush faded and his eyes fell. “Oh. Right. Sorry.” Did he look… Disappointed? Why would…

Oh.

**_Oh._ **

Jonny’s eyes light up with realization and memory. A smirk graced his lips. “You like Jon.” Jonny ignored Martin’s protests. “I’ll let you in on a little secret, alright? Don’t tell him I told you this.” 

Martin narrowed his eyes skeptically. “Jonny… What are you doing?” 

Martin blushed as Jonny leaned in close enough to whisper into Martin’s ear. “You two ended up together in the future.”

And with that, Jonny turned and left, confident in his wing-man abilities.

Oh, this would bring some delicious chaos.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I will be making some more ships later, btw
> 
> Also, I’m a multi-shipper, sooooo choosing what I wanna actually use is gonna be tricky. Hmmmm
> 
> hmmmmmm
> 
> I will update the tags as I progress


	3. All Hail The Watcher

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Elias Bitchard has some rancid vibes
> 
> Jon and Jonny decide to do something about it
> 
> Rosie has a bad time

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Rosie is the reason the Magnus Institute is still running. Change my mind
> 
> My upload schedule continues to be buckwild

All things considered, life continued relatively normally for the Archivist. Or at least, it was as normal as anything could be, after having his mind temporarily fused with an immortal space pirate, and then retaining said space pirate’s memories (mental and muscle) after the fact.

But life went on, as it often does.

Jonny spent a decent chunk of time with Jon during recordings. Jonny claimed it was to “mock his silly voice acting”, which Jon didn’t  _ totally _ believe, but alright.

Jon currently sat in his chair behind his desk, with Jonny sitting on the edge, playing with their shared gun.

Jon clicked on the tape recorder and adjusted his papers. “Alright. Statement of… Karl McDevitt, regarding the… possession of his younger sister. Audio recording by Jonathan Sims, The Archivist. Statement begins.” Jon took in a deep breath. “Hello, Jon.”

Jon could see Jonny’s head whip around out of the corner of his eye, but couldn’t physically respond. All he could do was keep talking. “Apologies for the deception, but I wanted to ensure you started.” Jon gripped the page as tight as he could, struggling with all of his will to  _ NOT. CONTINUE. _ “I wouldn’t try too hard to stop—”

Suddenly, Jon found himself being shoved to the ground.

Jonny was on top of him, their eyes locked. The ‘statement’ was still on the desk.

Jon burst out laughing, half from how ridiculous he felt that a simple tackle was all it took, and half from the shuddering fear that still coiled in his gut.

Jonny moved first, pulling Jon to his feet immediately after. He had a wicked grin on. “I think we should pay our dear old boss a visit~” His eyes were practically glowing with a sadistic glee. “Don’t you?”

…

“Elias Bouchard” held his hands together, waiting for some kind of…  **something** . Surely, Jon would have started by now? Why—

He nearly fell out of his chair when the door to his office was slammed open. There… There they were: The Archivist and the Space Pirate. Oh fuck.

“Hello,  _ Magnus _ ,” they said in unison.

**Oooooohhhh fuck.**

…

Rosie liked her job. It wasn’t like it was easy being the boss’ secretary, but it suited her well. She liked the structure of it, if she was being totally honest.

Speaking of that structure, it was time for her to deliver a very important report to Elias Bouchard. She smiled when she thought of Elias. He was so  _ polite _ all the time! She wouldn’t call him easily approachable, but he was definitely a lot friendlier with his employees than most bosses she had worked with. And he always made her feel  _ important _ .

Soon, she was knocking on his door. “Mr. Bouchard?” She gently opened the door as she continued. “I have those reports you—AH!” She dropped her papers and fell backwards onto the floor.

In front of her, Elias was holding his arm— He was  _ bleeding _ ! Had he been shot?!

“Ah, Rosie.” Elias smiled, SMILED, at her. “Would you mind calling an ambulance for me?”

Rosie fainted on the spot.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am working on a more serious continuation to this series, but it may take a while to come out. Hopefully within the month? Don’t hold your breath
> 
> Constructive criticism welcome
> 
> @artnerdsarah on instagram & tumblr (I’m more active on Insta)


	4. Mothman?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tim is still a researcher at heart, so he gathers data.
> 
> ~~
> 
> The writing style is a bit different this time

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In case you’re wondering, I will be keeping the continuity of Elias Was Shot going forward.
> 
> My upload schedule is once again buckwild

Timothy Stoker’s entirely scientific notes.

Question: Given intelligent informed consent, would you fuck Mothman?

Responses:

Sasha James. “Depends. Is he hygienic?”

Researcher’s note: Very logical

Martin Blackwood. “What’s with all the monster fuckers, huh? What about monster lovers? Maybe I want to cuddle with Mothman. He’s probably fuzzy... ”

Researcher’s note: Wholesome

Jonathan Sims. “Well, I’m asexual… so… no.”

Researcher’s note: Yeah, that

checks out

Jonny d’Ville. [after a long silence] “Do you think that would be the weirdest lay I’ve had?”

Researcher’s note: I’m scared

Elias Bouchard. “Depends. What do I get out of it?”

Researcher’s note: What the

actual fuck?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have a more serious sequel in the works. It’s currently in the drafting stage, and I intend to publish it after the third draft is ready, so... Don’t hold your breath.
> 
> In the meantime, I’ll keep posting crack chapters... as I write them. All of these are first drafts, lol
> 
> Constructive criticism is always welcome!


	5. “Thanks. Love you”

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jon forgets he’s in season 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes, you just need some JonMartin

Martin had not believed Jonny. After all, Martin and Jon as a couple? In the FUTURE? Yeah, unlikely.

That was until this particular Tuesday.

Martin had just brought Jon some tea. That was it. That was all he did.

Jon was working, as usual. Recording a statement. He looked up, and his eyes were so… gentle. It wasn’t fair, really. How is one man so pretty? Especially now that he somehow looked so ragged and scarred. Battle hardened? 

Jon smiled at him, with that beautiful smile of his. “Ah, Martin.” God, his voice was like honey.

Martin gingerly approached. “I brought you some tea.”

Jon smiled. “Right here,” he said as he patted the corner of his desk.

Martin did as instructed.

Jon picked up the mug. “Thank you, Martin.” He then gave Martin a kiss on the cheek. Casually. Like they did that every day. “Love you.”

Martin’s brain short circuited. How—? How did Jon—? No, no, better question:  **_WHY?!_ **

Jon was mid-sip when he seemed to realize what he had just done.

They locked eyes for a moment in shock.

It was Martin who ran out of Jon’s office before any more words could be exchanged.

Martin had not believed Jonny before. He did now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m putting the more serious fic on pause for a while. I know that doesn’t mean much since none of you have been reading any of it, but rest assured you’ll be getting it at some point. I’m putting it on hold because I have to work on something else for a while (not a fic, sorry). But I will get back to it.
> 
> Once draft 1 is complete, the whole process will probably go quicker
> 
> Constructive criticism is always welcome


	6. Dress Code

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jon decides to enjoy himself.
> 
> Elias hates fun, as always

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay look, I know this has been done before, but I wanted to do it too.

Jonathan Sims had been through hell. He remembered watching his friends die, his world end, had his whole mind scrambled, and then got plopped back down in his archives and had to basically act like nothing happened.

So, he said  **_fuck it_ ** . He’d enjoy himself.

That’s why he walked into work wearing tight black thigh highs, a short skirt, and a crop top. Why the fuck not?

Apparently, Jonny had also gotten the memo, as he was wearing his full Mechanisms get up—makeup and all.

Jon ignored the looks he got as he made his way down to the archives with Jonny. He ignored Sasha’s jaw drop and Tim’s (joking) wolf whistle. He did, however, pay attention to Martin’s blush.

…

The door slammed open while Jon was recording a statement. Jon looked up, raising a single eyebrow. “Yes?”

Elias was practically seething. “Jon. What. Are. You. Wearing.”

Jon noticed that Elias was holding the door open with his right arm, his left close against his thigh. Heh. He was certainly happy to have left a mark. Maybe even a scar.

Jon smirked. “What? Don’t like my outfit?”

Elias’ eye twitched. “Jon, this is highly inappropriate.”

“So is using your employee to start the apocalypse. Or, in your case,  _ attempt _ to.” Jon laced his fingers together, resting his chin on them. “What are you going to do?  _ Fire me? _ ” His smirk only grew.

Silence.

“Thought so.”

Elias growled. “I can still use disciplinary action.”

Jon stood up, picking up the signature Mechanisms-Style pistol. “Yeah, and I can, too. Would you like  _ both _ arms to stop working?”

Elias left, closing the door behind himself.

“Thought so.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m making slow progress on the more serious sequel. I’m not sure if I’ll have it out by the end of June?
> 
> Good thing is: It’s not necessary for the story!
> 
> Constructive criticism welcome


	7. Spiders: Part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Martin loves spiders
> 
> Apparently, Jonny does not

Martin sat at his desk, typing away at his computer and minding his own business, when he felt something against his hand.

Something furry.

He looked down to see a relatively large spider, exploring his desk and, evidently, his keyboard. It was honestly kind of cute.

“Hello, little guy.” It turned its many eyes towards Martin, as if it could listen. “Are you lost?” It just wordlessly continued crawling. “Why don’t I help you out, huh?”

Martin held his hand in front of the spider, and it crawled onto his palm. “There we are. Let’s find a window, shall we?”

…

It took a few minutes, but Martin did get to a window in the breakroom.

He also found Jonny in the breakroom, going over some notes.

As soon as Jonny saw the spider he screamed, jumped onto a chair, and rolled himself back against the far wall. “MAHTIN! WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT—  _ THING?! _ ”

“It’s just a spider. I was going to—” Martin’s eyes locked onto a particularly shiny piece of metal. “ **JONNY, PUT THE GUN DOWN!** ”

...

Martin did manage to escape with the spider and his hand in tact. Somehow.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Constructive criticism welcome


	8. Dumbfuckery

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jon is a workaholic
> 
> Jonny decides to do something about it

Jonny d’Ville could put up with some bullshit.

Okay,  _ after having character development forcibly kick him in the reer by having his brain  _ **_slammed into another person’s_ ** , he could put up with some bullshit.

But if there was one type of bullshit he could not put up with, it was Jon’s self-destructive workaholism.

…

Jonny slammed the door to the Archivist's office wide open, causing said main to nearly jump out of his skin.

“Jonny?!”

Jonny stormed over without a single word. He then lifted Jon over his shoulder and began walking out.

“Jonny, whatever you’re planning, it’s NOT FUNNY!”

Jon didn’t make any more to resist.

Good. He didn’t want to deal with that.

The pair ended up in the pseudo-bedroom of the archives, where a cot had been laid out.  Where Martin would never have to spend the night, this time.

Jonny unceremoniously dropped Jon directly onto said cot. “Sleep or I’ll shoot you.” He then walked away, leaving Jon thoroughly confused and too scared to not do as instructed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have been making progress on the sequel series! The first draft is about... Probably either 60-75% of the way complete, depending on how long the climax is going to drag out (I haven’t outlined the climax, since I wanna get *really* creative with it).
> 
> These cracks are turning into my little update corner, lol


	9. Cat.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jon gets a cat.
> 
> Martin is in love.
> 
> Elias is not impressed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Note: While I am intending to keep certain continuity details from this crack fic in the sequel series and other chapters (the biggest one being Elias’ injured arm), this chapter will NOT be part of that continuity. Explanation in the end notes.

Jon came into work carrying a cute little black cat in his arms.

A soft, sleek, black cat with big yellow eyes and a cute little tongue it liked to Blep at unexpected times.

Jon kept this cat with him all day.

Of course, everyone who saw the cat fawned over it ,except Jonny, because he fawned over nothing. ( _~~Jonny totally fawned over the cat.~~ _)

Especially Martin.

Jon did everything he could to hide his blush whenever Martin would ask “may I see the cat?” or use adorable Polish pet names for it or—

Nope, definitely no blush.

Around noon, Elias burst the door open with his uninjured arm. “Jon, this rebellion of yours has gone on far enough. Cats are most definitely NOT allowed in the institute.”

“The Colonel is my emotional support cat.”

They both Knew the cat was not certified to do anything.

Elias narrowed. “Oh, really?”

“Yes. She supports me emotionally whenever I have to put up with your bullshit.”

Jon reached for his gun, to which Elias responded by slamming the door shut and promptly returning to his office.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so, why not this chapter?
> 
> Well, it is for a good reason.
> 
> *Inhale*
> 
> I FINISHED THE FIRST DRAFT OF THE SEQUEL SERIES!
> 
> Buuuuuuut that also means adding a whole new character (i.e. the cat) would be pretty tricky.
> 
> Now, when I say I’ve finished the first draft, I mean The First Draft. I’m gonna be posting it after the THIRD draft is beta’d. Thus, it’ll still be some time before the sequel series starts to go up. BUT, since the first draft (the hardest) is done, the whole process will probably go a lot faster.
> 
> Sooooo yeah! I’m pumped!
> 
> ~~
> 
> Small edit: The Colonel is now a “she” and not a “He”


	10. Jonny and the Colonel

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jonny decides not to be charmed by the cat.
> 
> The cat has other ideas.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m gonna work on Draft 2 of the serious sequel today.
> 
> The reason I’m posting this NOW and not AFTER is because I have made an executive decision: The cat stays.
> 
> I will make it work.

Jonny lifted the Colonel up from the area just under its paws.

They stared at each other, green eyes meeting yellow.

“You can not charm me,  _ Cat _ .”

The Colonel blinked at him.

“I do not  _ get charmed _ .”

The Colonel placed a paw on his nose and blepped.

There was a pause.

“I would die for you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this chapter is super short. I mainly just put it in here to share with y’all the good news about the Colonel.
> 
> (Maybe the next crack should be the Colonel and the Admiral interacting...?)
> 
> If anyone wants to share ideas for crack chapters in the comments, feel free!


	11. Flat Restrictions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tim inquires about Jon’s living arrangements, regarding the Colonel.
> 
> Jon demonstrates.
> 
> The Colonel wants all the attention.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The Colonel is officially in the sequel series.
> 
> She’s here to stay, folks!
> 
> Since draft 1 is complete, I know how many chapters there are gonna be (you’ll all find out later). That means I’ll be able to give accurate estimations of my completion status! Progress on draft 2: 20%
> 
> The Colonel will probably exist mainly as some minor comic relief

Tim sat on Jon’s desk, the Colonel in his lap as he played with her toe beans. “You know, I’ve been thinking.”

“Yes, Tim?” Jon was busy scribbling something down with a fountain pen (when had he gotten a fountain pen?).

“Does your apartment even allow pets?”

Jon was silent.

“Should I take that as a no?” Tim was smirking. “Because, if you need a place to keep her overnight, I’m quite good with animals.”

Jon cleared his throat. “I um… Have an arrangement with the landlord.”

Tim smirked and moved closer to Jon. “Oh? This a…  _ friendly _ arrangement?”

Jon looked him in the eye. “What’s your most embarrassing,  _ yet least dangerous _ , secret?”

“I once got really drunk and tried to flirt with Martin over text, but I texted Elias by mistake and didn’t realize it was Elias until after I asked if he wanted to fuck and he’s never talked to me about it and to this day I’m scared he’ll bring it up and I will have no idea how to respond.” Tim took in a deep breath as his eyes widened. He felt like he had just thrown up. “What…”

Jon’s eyes were wide. “Uh… Okay. Not what I was expecting.” Jon cleared his throat. “I promise not to tell anyone about that.”

“Jon.” Tim’s eyes were narrowed. “Jon,  _ what the fuck was that? _ ”

Jon cleared his throat. “Compulsion. I can… do that. And um… I may or may not have… had a similar chat with my landlord…?”

Silence.

Tim burst out laughing. Jon soon followed suit.

The Colonel whined at the prolonged loss of attention.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am open to ideas for crack chapters
> 
> Constructive criticism welcome


	12. Truth Or Dare

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tim convinces Jon to use his powers for a game of truth or dare
> 
> That’s it

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was actually a suggestion in the comments, made by user Pom_Raina

“Look, I really don’t like the idea of using my powers on you if—”

“On, come _on_ Jon!” Tim was dragging him by the arm. “It’ll be FUN! Besides, what’s Elias gonna do? _Fire us for not doing our jobs?_ ”

Sasha, Martin, and Jonny were already sitting in a circle.

Tim pulled Jon down to sit next to him in the empty spaces. “I can go first.”

He spun the bottle, which landed on Jonny, who smirked. “Alright, Pretty Boy~ Gimme your best dare.”

Tim tapped his chin. “Uhhhh… kiss the hottest person here.”

Jonny narrowed his eyes. “Only with permission. Otherwise, _that’s really fucking creepy._ ”

“Doesn’t have to be the lips.”

Jonny rolled his eyes. “Alright alright.” He turned to his right, grabbed Martin by the front of his sweater, and yanked him forward to kiss his cheek. This caused Martin to start blushing.

Sasha covered her mouth and started laughing. This caused Martin to start blushing even **harder**.

“Alright!” Jonny spun the bottle, and it landed on Sasha. “Alright, truth or dare.”

“Truth.” She gave a small little smile.

“Alright. What’s the worst crime you’ve ever committed?”

Sasha paused. “Uh…”

Jonny leaned forward. “Is that an ‘Uh, I’ve done too many to think’ or ‘Uh, I can’t remember if I’ve done any’? Do keep in mind I _will_ judge you for your answer.”

“Does…” She shrugged her shoulders. “Does jaywalking count?”

Jonny tilted his head back and groaned. “BORING! Jon, is she telling the truth?”

Jon blushed and turned to Sasha. “I-I don’t want to—”

Tim cut in, “She agreed to the rules!”

Jon closed his eyes, took in a deep breath, then looked deep into Sasha’s. “ _ **What’s the most illegal thing you’ve ever done?**_ ”

“When I was 14, I bought an entire case of beer with a fake ID, within 10 feet of an officer. I even politely waved to him, while holding the beer. He had no idea because I looked so much older than I really was.” She then gasped and held her chest. “Holy shit, _that works?!_ ”

Tim grinned. “RIGHT?!”

Sasha just spun the bottle. It landed on Martin. “Okay, um… Truth or dare?”

“Uh… T-Truth?”

Sasha smirked. “Martin, when was your last lay?”

His face went bright red.

Jon cleared his throat. “That’s rather personal.” He then turned to Martin. “You don’t have to if—”

“Never?” The air went silent.

Jon’s eyes went wide and he looked down. “Right.”

Tim winked. “I can fix that~”

Martin’s voice went very squeaky. “T-TIM!”

The Colonel, who had silently found her way to the center of the circle, was now meowing for attention.

They went on like this for the rest of the evening.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Big update: The second draft is ALSO DONE!
> 
> Second, I’m gonna publish chapters of draft 3 as they’re being written. Well, more accurately, I’m gonna write chapters, then post them as they’re being beta’d.
> 
> Next. I’ll probably make the occasional crack chapter during the production of the third/final draft (aka what you all will be reading). However! Once the sequel series is complete, I’m going to complete this one.
> 
> Lastly, it’s important to note that this crack series takes place in between “Jonn d’Ville-Sims” and the sequel series (which I have a name for, but I’m waiting for that to be revealed when I post the fic). I have mentioned this before, but it’s worth saying again that certain details of continuity from this crack fic will carry over into the serious sequel. What I didn’t really explain (just implied) was that this crack fic IS CANON to the “Jonn” series.
> 
> WOOOH! That was a lot of info


	13. Elias and the Colonel

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Elias wants to say hi to the Colonel

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No new updates. I just wanted to write two crack chapters. All the big updates for today are in the end notes of chapter 12

Elias entered Jon’s office towards the end of Jon’s shift.

Jon was already reaching for his gun, but Elias held his hand up. “Jon, please. I merely wish to see the Colonel.”

Jon squinted. “How can I trust you?”

Elias rolled his eyes. “If you’re going to insist on having the cat around, I would at least like to take advantage of its presence.”

Jon put his gun away. “Fine. But make it quick.”

The Colonel was on Jon’s desk, licking her paw.

Elias approached. “Hello, beautiful.” He went to pet the Colonel, but she bit him. “OW!” He yanked his hand away. She continued to hiss at Elias. “What was that for?!”

Jon snorted and started chuckling. “Well, they do say animals are the best judges of character~”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Elias is a stinky bastard man and the Colonel could sense it :)
> 
> Also, can I complain about the fact that it’s spelled “Colonel” and pronounced “Kernel”? English is weird, man


	14. Mirroring

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Colonel interrupts Sasha’s work
> 
> Sasha decides to do something about it

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Good news! The first three chapters are ready to go! I’m just waiting on my beta to look them over before I publish them.
> 
> Expect the Serious Sequel to start getting chapters within the next few days

Sasha was trying to type up something for a follow-up, when the Colonel decided that now was the  _ perfect time _ to walk across her keyboard and plop right down.

“Um, excuse me, Colonel? I need to work.”

She just meowed back at Sasha.

“Colonel,  _ please _ ?”

Yet another meow.

Sasha hummed in thought. “Hey, Tim?”

Tim looked up from his phone, which he definitely wasn’t doing work on despite the fact that no one was on break right now. “Yeah, Sash?”

“Mind if I borrow your computer?”

“Sure thing.”

Tim scooted his chair over so she could take his seat.

…

Jon stepped out of his office, carrying several papers. “Sasha?”

She looked up from her computer. “Yeah, Jon?”

“I need you too—” His eyes landed on the Colonel, who was currently sleeping on top of a toy keyboard. “What…?”

Sasha grinned and patted the Colonel’s head. “Since I needed my computer back, I thought it would help if I gave the Colonel her own.”

“That’s… quite clever.”

“I know~”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As for what Sasha just did, I heard it’s called “mirroring” when cats interact with your stuff, so giving them a way to do it without getting in the way is good.
> 
> But please be aware that I am not an expert on cats.
> 
> I don’t even have one myself :’( . I do have a dog whom I love very much <3


	15. Jon, Are You Okay?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Is Jon okay?

Jon had just called Tim into his office to discuss some research follow-up. Nothing special, really.

Tim absolutely paid full attention and definitely didn’t use the meeting as an excuse to pet the kitty. No. That would be totally unprofessional.

“Think you can handle that, Tim?”

Tim was holding the Colonel in his arms. For totally professional reasons, of course. “Of course I can! Who do you take me for?”

Jon sighed. “Can you repeat back to me what I just told you?”

Tim hummed. “Uh… I’m following up on the statement off…”

“Moira Kelly, regarding her son, Robert. I need you to look into incident reports in Doncaster. Can you do that for me?”

Tim nodded. “Okay, Boss!”

There was a pause.

“Boss?”

Jon suddenly held his mouth, his whole body shaking. There were tears forming in his eyes.

Tim moved closer. “Jon?”

“I’m sorry—” Jon moved to wiping his eyes. “I just… Hadn’t realized how much I missed hearing you say that.”

Tim held the Colonel close to Jon’s face. She started licking his cheek. “Jon, is everything okay? You’ve been acting real weird.”

Jon nodded. “Yes, yes. I’m alright.”

Tim squinted. “ _ Jon. _ ”

“Please, Tim.” Jon took the Colonel into his own arms. “Please just drop it.”

Tim hummed for a moment. “Fine. But I’m getting you several treats and there’s nothing you can do about it.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m once again breezing through the chapters of the sequel. They’ll probably be out within the week. It’s just a matter of getting them beta’d for spelling mistakes. Hang tight y’all
> 
> Fun fact: This exact chapter is gonna get referenced in the Serious Sequel™


	16. Uh... Jonny?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Three Archival Assistants are very confused.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have a pretty big update, but I’m gonna share it in the next chapter, since, uh... it’s... It’s a lot, folks

It was a normal day in the office.

Well, as “normal” as any day  _ could _ be.

Tim, Sasha, and Martin were all on break, drinking tea and chatting about something, when the door slammed open.

Jonny came in, dragging a small wheelbarrow full of bright red fire extinguishers.

All eyes fell on Jonny.

Tim was the first to speak up. “Uh… what are those for…?”

“Worms,” was all Jonny said as he lugged the cart in, placed two down in the break room, than lugged it out.

The door shut behind him.

The trio exchanged looks of confusion.


	17. MAJOR UPDATE

So, y’know how I said the first few chapters were ready, and I was just waiting on my beta to look them over?

Yeah,  _ they’re all done. _

  
  


**The entire fic is complete.**

Again, waiting on my beta to look it over. We’re hoping he’ll be able to read the first two chapters tomorrow so I can post them then, but it’s a little up in the air.

HOWEVER!

As a show of good faith, and as a thanks to all of you for being so patient, I’m going to give you all a sneak preview of the first chapter.

Before I do, I need to explain something. The Serious Sequel is a lot darker than JDS or Misc, and each chapter will have the specific content warnings that apply in the beginning notes.

_ Yes, there will be content warnings. _ It deals with some pretty heavy issues.

The snippet I’m about to show you does not need any. I think. Lemme know in the comments if I’m wrong.

Without further ado, here is your sneak peak!

~~~~~~

Document Type: Utgard Orbital Police Report

Regarding: An unauthorized ship found in orbit around Utgard

Date: 732A—93Ω—Θ86ΦΞ—§4—1—B

Ship Type: Single-Passenger Travel

Ship Model: Unknown.

Ship Brand/Year: Unknown

Location of Origin: Unknown, likely alien in origin

Location Found: Orbiting Utgard

Ship Condition: Heavily damaged, likely unsalvageable. Appears to have been stripped of all previous cargo. Much of the ship itself has been torn apart, possibly for use of scrap metal.

Survivors: None

Bodies: None

Signs of Struggle: Yes. Several scuff marks that appear to indicate a person being dragged. Two large liquid splatters on opposite walls, accompanied by bullet holes. Difficult to tell if the liquid is blood as it appears to be alien in origin.

Black Box Condition: Physically undamaged, though much of the data is corrupted. Some data is still salvageable.

Black Box Content: Audio only, with gaps of completely unintelligible distortions.

Black Box Audio Transcript Below:

{Self Identified: Lyfrassir Edda}

Inspector Second Class Lyfrassir Edda, New… [Deep inhale(?)] Formerly New Midgard Transport Police reporting. First travel log.

Right. It has been three days {Solar cycle used is unknown.} since I left the Yggdrasil system, according to my computer. {“Yggdrasil” does not appear to exist in any database within a 200 system radius.}


	18. The Colonel

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Colonel visits everyone in the Archives

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First two chapters of the Serious Sequel are up!!!!!!
> 
> AAAAAHHHHHH!!!

Jon held the Colonel in his arms, just appreciating the attention she gave him. “You don’t have to worry about any of this nonsense, do you Colonel?”

The Colonel meowed in response.

Jon started playing with the toe beans on one of her paws. “We must all seem silly to you. I bet that’s nice.”

The Colonel meowed and started licking his cheek. “Yes, I love you, too~”

The Colonel blepped.

…

Tim was definitely doing work and not watching YouTube conspiracy debunk videos when a certain lovely little cat jumped up into his lap.

Tim smiled. “Well hello, Colonel!” Tim picked her up. “Is that mean nasty archivist not giving you enough love?”

The Colonel meowed and patted his nose with her paw.

“Yes, I love you too!” Tim kissed her nose.

The Colonel blepped.

…

Martin was typing up some notes on his follow-up reports, when the Colonel jumped up onto his desk.

“Hello, Colonel.” Martin kept typing.

She whined at him.

Martin pouted. “I can’t give you attention right now. I’m working!”

The Colonel pranced over to his keyboard, sat down there, and started licking his hand.

Martin sighed and started petting her head. “Is this what you wanted?”

The Colonel rolled onto her side.

“You want a belly rub? Is that it?” Martin asked, now giving her one.

The Colonel blepped.

…

Sasha was on break when the Colonel jumped up into her lap.

Sasha’s face light up in an instant. “Hello, Colonel!”

The Colonel purred and rubbed her face against Sasha’s stomach.

“Oh, yes, I love you too, Colonel!” Sasha picked up the little kitty and nuzzled their noses together.

The Colonel began licking her nose.

“Aren’t you just the cutest little kitty in the whole wide world?”

The Colonel blepped.

…

Jonny was napping on the couch when the Colonel visited him.

Jonny didn’t instantly wake up, so the Colonel started rapidly tapping his nose with her paw.

Jonny grunted and opened one of his eyes. “Ah, Colonel. Care to join me?”

The Colonel whined.

Jonny rubbed her head before wrapping his arms around her. “Sleep time.”

The Colonel curled up on his chest.

“Good girl.”

The Colonel blepped.


End file.
